#WINNING
#WINNING
AJ Amyx's Insights on Inner Critic Management and Personal Growth
Have you ever navigated through an unforeseen life-altering event and emerged stronger? Join us as we chat with AJ Amyx, a top coach at Social Glow, who has indeed turned adversity into resilience. AJ started his journey as a successful musician, however, his life took a sudden turn when his wife was diagnosed with cancer. This experience not only reshaped AJ's perspective about life but also influenced his shift from a performance-based identity to a value-based one.
AJ's story is not just about surviving life's unexpected changes, but about thriving amidst them. He candidly discusses his transformation, his fears, and the profound impact of his wife's diagnosis on their relationship. AJ also shares his views on the often misunderstood concept of success. To him, success is less about the accolades and more about making an impact. Through his metaphor of life as a river, AJ highlights the importance of constant evolution, integrity, and unconditional love.
In a thought-provoking discourse, AJ dissects the story of Jesus in the desert, and how it relates to managing our inner critic. He delivers invaluable insights on how to befriend this critic and use it as a catalyst for growth. Wrapping up, he shares how discerning our desires can lead us to our true selves, a lesson he believes would have greatly altered his life, had he known it earlier. If you're seeking a new perspective on success, personal growth and the strength to brave life's storms, this episode is for you.
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Winning is your guide to making it in business. Join our award-winning host and entrepreneur, Mackenzie Kilshaw, and special guests in casual conversations that will educate and inspire you on your business journey. Winning will help you learn the hard lessons the easy way, with guidance from celebrated entrepreneurs and business leaders. It's fun, it's informative, it's winning.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Hello, welcome to Winning. I am your host, Mackenzie Kilshaw, and today's guest is AJ E. How are you?
AJ Amyx:Fantastic, I'm excited to be here with you.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:I'm really excited to be here too. So AJ lives in Texas. We just had a little chat about how much I love Texas. He is a best-selling author and one of the top coaches in the world which we're going to talk about, and he's also the brand manager at Social Glow. So welcome, I'm really excited to have you on. We're going to talk a lot today about your inner critic, which I feel like everybody has that, and we're going to really dive into it. So it's going to be fun.
AJ Amyx:So A.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:So you want to start with this inner critic journey. Yeah, well, first of all, let's start. Why don't you give our listeners a little bit more information about who you are? I'm really excited for you to talk about being one of the top coaches in the world, and I know you've got some athletes there. But let's just start. Give the audience an idea of who you are and then we'll get into it. Yeah.
AJ Amyx:So this was actually a really hard question for me to answer these days. Like the simple answer is like I'm just a redneck East Texan farm boy who's had this crazy career I'm only 38, but I've done professional musicianship where I was in a band and we had record offers and I transitioned into social media marketing and then taught a creative live and was like a Twitter marketing expert and then I transitioned into having my own social media marketing agency and then transitioned into coaching and then writing books and then leading events on two different continents and it's just kind of been this ever evolving journey of being a human. And so on one side this is exactly like you said like I guess I'm a best selling author and I'm one of the top coaches in the world according to HubSpot I decided I wanted to really consult and sit. I guess a brand manager I guess is what I'd be called for social global, because I believe in the software and what we're doing and what we're creating.
AJ Amyx:I'm also a husband and a father. I have a daughter that's four and I also realized, like I'm none of those things either. Right, like I'm just, I'm just an ordinary human. I'm nothing special and at the same time. Of course I'm special, just like you and everybody else that's listening, and so it's just an interesting dichotomy to be like well, who am I? And yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't know, really, you know.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, you know what I love that you say that? Because I have interviewed a lot of people and done the podcast of course, met a lot of people who have all of these awards and accolades and whatnot. Every person still says I'm just like me, I'm just a girl from Saskatchewan, or you're just a guy from Texas, like, at the end of the day, we just are who we are, but we can still be really proud of these accomplishments, right?
AJ Amyx:Totally.
AJ Amyx:And I'm kind of sitting in this place where for so much of my life I guess I've been a high achiever for sure, like you name it I have set out to accomplish it and I've always accomplished what I've set out to do.
AJ Amyx:But it was always like to feel an internal void, like I want to be recognized, I want to be seen. And then that led to this performance based identity and the past several years and I guess it's been all of this time really, but definitely the past two years very deeply like unraveling that whole performance based identity to where now I can still go, achieve things and create things, but I'm not necessarily attached to the outcome and even I'm not there yet, but I feel like I'm close to getting there, to even being attached to the timing of it. You know, like I can vision cast and I can, I can set like I think I'd like to get there by this time, but I'm not like attached to it. And this is kind of falling back into life and and this seeing like where is life actually going to support me in going? And I think it's going to be over there, but it may not be and I may end up over here, and that's okay too, so it's a very weird dichotomy.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:What changed for you to get like you said in the last two years? Was it when COVID happened? Was it just something in yourself, or what changed that you weren't so attached?
AJ Amyx:So great question. The short answer is my wife has diagnosed with cancer two years ago and so COVID. For me, Covid was easy, so it's like, yeah, whatever, like we won't go into all of that, but it is what it is. And then. But then when my wife's cancer surfaced, it surfaced a lot in me, surfaced a lot in her too, and I didn't know. But like 70 or 80% of couples, if one of them goes through cancer, I think it's like 70 or 80%, within three years of their diagnosis, end up in a divorce. And I could totally see it, because it's a very intense journey that surfaces all of your deepest, darkest demons that you haven't dealt with. And her side too, like she used to be terribly afraid of being alone and powerless. And then, boom, it's like and this is the gift of COVID, it's like deal with your shadows, humanity. There's no way around it. You are going to see them, you are going to deal with it.
AJ Amyx:And if not exit, or you're distressed and you're overwhelmed or whatever, however you choose to navigate that. So for me it was definitely cancer. But I also believe that all of us have this thing that is unconscious, like what? Like there's three parts of us there's what we know, there's what we don't know, and then there's what we don't know. That we don't know. Right, yeah, things are not a problem if we know how to work with them or if we're oh yeah, I know this not a problem. It's not really even a problem if we don't know it. Like, oh, I know that, I don't know that, that's fine, I can talk to McKenzie, I can talk to this coach, I can go to this therapist, I can read this book, I can watch this documentary. But then there's this whole spectrum. That's like I don't even know what I do not know.
AJ Amyx:And in like an Eastern religion or philosophy, or in Hinduism, a lot of the ancient yogis, they would identify with ignorance, which us Westerners were. What do you mean? You would identify with ignorance? That seems absolutely absurd, but I get it Like they're like well, look, if I identify with what I know, I'm just like. I'm just like I'm very limited, but if I can identify with like I don't know, just bumbling about as a human, trying to figure it out, just as you. Then there's this myriad of possibilities where wisdom can exist, because we're sitting in this space of like I don't know.
AJ Amyx:And so, with the unconscious, I find that our conscious self and our unconscious, it lets things kind of bubble up from underneath the surface when it knows that we have the capacity to navigate them. Like we have this really fantastic body in this energetic being. That's like all right, there's all of this stuff, whether it's this lifetime or past lifetimes, potentially, I don't know, maybe there's all this stuff stored in this memory thing known as me. And then somehow my unconscious and this is for every person as they go about life it's like let's let that up, let's let this up. And if we have the courage to look at this objectively and start to like, hmm, I wonder, and stay in curiosity, then it just starts to unfold or unravel that which wants to come through us, and so I know this is a long one. Along with it, answered it like what changed for you? Yes, cancer is a simple answer, but the other pieces? I just feel like this is what my unconscious bubbled up for me to evolve that I have no control over. Really it, just here it is.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, exactly, and I think too, for many, many people, health, so cancer for you or your wife a crisis or a change of something really changes their direction and perspective.
AJ Amyx:Right, yeah, 100%. I mean like with my wife and even me I couldn't, I couldn't help her, like I did my best to be a caretaker. But then that put me, like face to face with one of my deepest fears, which is like that you are powerless and there's nothing that you do that matters. And in that scenario, it was true for me I legitimately was powerless, seeing her in pain. There's literally nothing I could do that could change it, besides just be with her and that experience and cry or be angry or whatever the experience was. But then that starts unraveling these little egoic attachments that are like, yes, I am strong and I am powerful and I am the creator of my reality, because now I'm like well, am I?
AJ Amyx:really the creator of my reality.
AJ Amyx:Like I know some development world says we are the creator of our realities. Grab, like a Texas analogy, grab life by the horns, right the whole body of the horn and like steer it or be the captain of your ship. And there's relevance and there's power. And I'm not negating it because it's like well, do you just go into a caste system like we do in India? And we're like, ah, this is my lot, let me just be apathetic, this is my fate.
AJ Amyx:That doesn't seem like a powerful experience for me to be in On the other side of that ditch. It's like, oh, I am in control of everything. If I don't like it, I can change it, and that's that can become extremely stressful. And so it's like how do we live in the tension between those two paradoxes? Like, is there an and also, is there a way to kind of navigate both of them and live in this gray space rather than the either, or? That's what I've been experiencing and playing with over the past two years specifically, and it's unfolded a lot more peace, a lot more fulfillment and stuff that I can't even put words around.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, and probably five years ago, if someone would have said to you you're going to be in this spot now, you would say, no, right, like no, I'll still care about, about nothing, you don't care, you're still thinking, you'll be where you thought you would be right. I did not have a health crisis in my life, but I got married and I lived three hours away from my husband and stepson and I also made a life change. I sold my business, I moved, I got a job which I had not had a job in 10 years because I was an entrepreneur. So I feel like I relate a little bit to that, because five or six years ago if somebody would have said, oh, you're going to sell your business, I would have said there's not a chance, I'll never sell my business. Right, and life unfolds and things happen that we didn't ever realize would happen.
AJ Amyx:I've always had a weird relationship with life where I've never really been attached to. This is the way things will go for me, and I don't I don't even know why, but I've always kind of at least intellectually or conceptually set in this place of like maybe, and it reminds me of like. That's an adage, where, like the there's, there's a whole story where this farmer and the son, and like they call his son to war, and then the people or the neighbors are like, oh, this is terrible, your son's been called to war. And then the farmer's is kind of like, well, maybe, well, and then the boy is on the horse and he gets thrown off and he breaks his leg, and the neighbors come over the next day and like, oh, this is terrible, your son broke his leg. And it's like, well, maybe, and it goes on and on and on through these different scenarios and every time it all worked out, and so it was like the Zen adage. It's like maybe, right, maybe, which is just kind of the Zen adage of being unattached.
AJ Amyx:So, for whatever reason, I've always kind of looked at life. So if somebody would have said you're going to be this, maybe, I mean, I don't know, maybe, but I definitely still have always had attachments like, well, I really want that desire, so how do I make that happen? I mean, that's winning for me, right? Which is what the talk about is like winning, and that begs the question for me over the past two years, what is winning? What does that even mean?
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, and it changes along your, because what winning was to you five years ago is not what it is to you now.
AJ Amyx:Exactly.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Exactly, and you've done. I mean from going from a musician with like potential obviously if you had record deals or offers and then to social media and to coaching and to. I mean that's a lot of change in not many years.
AJ Amyx:Yes, and I always feel like the pace of life in which I experience is crazy. I feel like, within two years, my wife and I will experience 10 years of change that most people would experience. Example we just bought this house that we're living in today, in October of 2020. So during COVID, so we bought this house. Before we bought this house, we gutted it completely, remodeled it, and so we've been here for three years now. We've remodeled the property, we've traveled and spent summers in Europe and we're building a tiny home in the back right. All of that's happened within three years, not to mention the cancer on top of that, not to mention my you know, putting my daughter into school and her starting school, not to mention the stuff that like I feel like I'm stronger and healthier than ever right now. My wife same thing she's stronger, healthier, and so it's just like the pace and that we live life is very fast.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:You're on fast forward.
AJ Amyx:Yeah.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:But people probably say to you how do you do all of that right? How do you have the time to do all that? How did you do all of that?
AJ Amyx:It's just, we all have time. It's just like, how are we consciously pointing and directing that time? You know, it's like money. We all like money is this finite resource, but it's also infinite, at least the way that I relate to it. It's kind of like, literally, currency, like the ocean current or the river current, it ebbs and it flows, it comes in and it comes out, and so one could attach to it and we can relate to a lot of stress with this thing that we call money, and we could make identity stories with this thing that we call money. Or we just come back to a principle of like it doesn't mean anything about me whether I have a lot or I have little, it's just.
AJ Amyx:It's just like a river coming out in it and it's like, how am I going to stand in the midst of this river and how am I going to use my brain power to direct its flow? No, right or wrong. You want to direct its flow into a Ferrari fantastic, go do that. You want to direct it into a Pinto fantastic, you go do that. Like, however you want to direct its flow, it's up to you.
AJ Amyx:Time is this way, and so we could either be a victim to this thing that we call time and experience it rather, rather linearly, and one way of being that would be like if we have a fear of death, it's like I only have so many days left and so, like there's this place, I get it and there's another time. Just to like time's relative, it is, time is, and then again, how are we going to direct it? And even if we have plans and this has been one of my journeys, because it's time blocking and learning all the productivity things, and then I can become attached to them, like, oh, but I had this block for nine o'clock. I supposed to get my workout, but the child said, oh, I hate life, like what?
AJ Amyx:And it's like, okay, well, these are just river banks, like I have time blocks and those are river banks and those are my intentions for the day. But it's going to change. Life's going to like throw me a curve ball and then how can I just trust the ebb and flow, while still taking responsibility to do my best to create the river banks of life to flow through?
Mackenzie Kilshaw:That's a great analogy and I think that works for success too, because it really is to. Each pair of people will say, like AJ, you're so successful, but success to you can be very different than what it is to me.
Shauna Foster:I'm the next person right.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:That's great, yeah, and I think too, for a lot of people, success is money, right. Success is that they have unlimited money, but, like you just said, it's not that. That's not really the way it is.
AJ Amyx:No, a lot of people, and myself included, had done this for a really long time and I find myself still doing it. So I'm at the point of this time where I think it's part of the being and us being human and we create these things that my friend Jonathan Hess and I call. We call them success equations, and success equations. They're these equations that's like well, when I have a B or C, or when I become 123, then I will be successful. But here's the problem when we run a success equation, we get ABC, we become 123. And then we move it and right, oh no, it's XYZ, it's 99, 98, 97. Right, and then we go on the journey to create that, but we still don't feel this thing, this experience called success. And if we're not careful and a lot of people do this we just keep chasing this never ending horizon. So one day we wake up and we have a midlife crisis, or we're just like I hate life, or I'm stuck, or I'm burnt out, or I've had enough of it, and really it comes back to like what are, what are the values that you feel that you're here to uphold? No right or wrong like you could. There's a whole myriad of possibilities and your values are probably different than mine, or their nuance right, and you're going to have a top value that's different than my top value and whoever's listening to this. They're going to have a top value is different than both of our top values. And so the real question is is like are you living an integrity and are you embracing unconditional love with your value hierarchy? If so, then that's all you can do and these kind of become the riverbanks for this thing called success. The best picture I could paint is like if one of the riverbanks is your values and the other riverbank is this thing we call integrity, honoring your word, being your word, and then also like unconditional love, then that allows this like human experience, to like flow through and just like a river.
AJ Amyx:When a river is flowing through, like if we look the I'll say with your American analogy, but you can think of any river that whoever listening to this like any river, wherever they're at, when the river is flowing through, let's say the Grand Canyon, the Grand Canyon is made up of sandstone. As the river of life is flowing through, it's moving minuscule pieces of sand, moment by moment by moment by moment by moment. So the river is literally changing and it's evolving, even its shape, throughout the years. It's evolving and changing and we could zoom way out like a macro level of like wow, look at the path of that river which is always changing. Our life is no different. Like our life force is going to flow through again our values, our integrity, our unconditional love. And then we can suck ourselves out of that 10 years from now and look down on our life and go, wow, look at that beautiful expression. And this is the gift of us knowing our values and living in integrity of those values.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:I totally agree. And if you're always striving with those values first and foremost, you're always going to get ahead, right.
AJ Amyx:They break the question what is ahead?
Mackenzie Kilshaw:There we go, that's another one. Yeah, yeah, exactly that is true, because, once again, ahead for you is different than ahead for me.
AJ Amyx:Exactly. And so the head is this concept that our ego or our personality or our conditioning wants to grasp the head. Well, when I'm this, it could even be in a success equation. When I'm this, this and this, then I'll be ahead, right, yeah, when it's like there's letting go of the success equation, a lot of people, they don't want to let go of the success equation because many people falsely believe, well, if I let go of the success equation, then I either I'll die, my ego will die, I'll physically die, or the empire that I built will crumble because I just won't do anything at all.
AJ Amyx:Now, my experience has been this is not the case with any human being. Like you could tell any human being, especially a high achiever, who's burnt out, like there is completely burnt out and they just want to get rid of everything. And it's like well, what do you want? I just want to go sit martinis on the beach and that's it. I don't want to do a thing. It's like cool, if they gave themselves permission to go, do that, they probably can only do about two weeks, maybe a month, maybe a year or two max, five years potentially max, before they're going to be like all right, I have to go create something again.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, yeah, 100%, it's so true. It's so true. And I know I authored a chapter in a book that will be releasing this fall. So we're recording this in September but we'll probably won't air it for a while. But the topic was to talk about your journey as a business person entrepreneur, whatever it was, and kind of where how you're successful and why you were successful.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:And when I sat down I'm not an author like you, but it was really cool to write this because when I sat down, you know the first thing that people are like well, your awards, the awards that you've won, and the, the name that you have, quote, unquote. And then, as I was writing this, I'm like that really isn't like. When I I think about not being on, the like after I'm, I'm gone right, no one's going to give a crap about awards and success quote unquote that I had. So for me it was what can I leave the world to make it a better place from before? I was there, hence a podcast that I do, hence helping other people.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:So to me that was way more important. All of the lessons that I've learned, that I can pass on, were way more important than any awards I got. And at the time when I won the awards. That seemed like the ultimate time, right Like I got recognized for what I did, but really made us realize since then I started feeling already so suck, I'd moved from here completely out of here that it would be that in the end I actually needed to learn to write a book around myself on three papers. That's not it, at the end of the day, for me.
AJ Amyx:Yeah, I can relate. As of recently, Ram Dass has had a very, very huge impact on his teachings. And one of his teachings, at least from my perspective and my interpretation of his teachings, is like all, at least all I can do is know. Like, when I die, I played my part. Yeah, that's it.
AJ Amyx:I can't even control will people consume my body at work. I can't even control the attachment to my creations, even making the world a better place. And so, like, if I even suck out of myself further, I can see the brilliance in it, because it's just like this deeper level of truth where, like the world is the world is the world, Whether it's good or it's bad and people do this or it doesn't really matter. Like the world is the world is the world. Duality has happened since the beginning of time, since duality happened in the form of consciousness and it's going to continue happening in its different flavors throughout time. It just is part of this earthly experience and contrasts the gift that gives us this experience of life. And so can I just come home to knowing I did my part. And if I can be home and like, yes, I did my part, then what more can I really ask for?
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, exactly. Okay, I know at the beginning we talked about inner critic and I really want to chat more about that. You are way more knowledgeable, obviously, in this than me, but I know for myself. I think my inner critic has always been my biggest challenge or my biggest hurdle, because you think something and then a lot of times you're, you're, you're tell yourself I can't do that, or this is going to be hard, or whatever it is. So let's really chat about that and let's start out with does everybody have an inner critic?
AJ Amyx:Yes, so the inner critic. And the inner critic does a gift. I'll tell you one.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yes, please do.
AJ Amyx:Without the inner critic, you would never be able to like, evolve, you would never have something that would push you to embody this thing that we label as potential. We would never have this driving force that would evolve our own expression, evolve our own growth. And so people are like I want the inner critic to go away. Well, what if it never grows away? So here's the only story that I have that I wrap my mind around, and it's like the story of Jesus interacting with this thing that Christian scripture calls the double for me. I live in this place. I'm like maybe it's a thing, maybe it's not a thing, maybe it's just like a personification of our own psyche that lives in every person. I don't know, and this isn't about like Jesus or the devil, or being saved. Let's just look at the principle of the story and we'll glean some wisdom. So Jesus is wrestling with the devil not really wrestling, but he's being tempted. He's like well, you can have the city, you can have this, you can have. This is what Satan is telling Jesus. And for 40 days this goes on and on and on. Maybe this was a psychedelic experience for Jesus, maybe he was just really hungry and fasting and he's having this spiritual inner psyche thing, who knows?
AJ Amyx:But whatever the story is, Jesus is in the desert. He's there for 40 days. He's interacting with this thing called the devil, and the devil keeps saying well, you could do this, you could do this, you could do this, you could do this. He's being tempted and at the very end of the story, Jesus says something very interesting. He says get behind me, get behind me. Now, why is this fascinating? Well, to me this is a fascinating story because he's not saying how dare you attack me? I shall kill you, I shall destroy you, you're evil. None of that happens. Not a lot of that happens in a lot of Christian theology, for whatever reason, I don't know.
AJ Amyx:But the story is this archetypical thing known as Christ consciousness, which every single human being can access through meditation, and then this thing called the devil, which I'm just going to label as potentially a part of all of us, the darkness, or the inner critic. That's like well, what about this? What about this? And Eastern philosophy, they would call it Maya which is always like this, just creating illusions and paths that distract us from embodying our part, of doing our part, and so it's like well, rather than trying to relate to the inner critic as its enemy.
AJ Amyx:We must go on a mission to hunt it down and seek and destroy it. What if we just befriended it and were like hey man or hello lady friend, or hello sister. However, we want to relate to it. Thanks for being here to push me to the next, greatest version of myself, and I know who I am and I know what I feel called to do. So get behind me. I'm moving forward. Like if we relate it to the inner critic from this manner, wouldn't life be a lot less stressful and we can still leverage its gifts, but we're not being at war with, basically, our own mind.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:This is making sense. Yeah, 100%. And you know? My next question was what is the best way to conquer it? But I don't know that we should conquer it, because it sounds like we need it.
AJ Amyx:Yeah, I would say the best way to conquer it is to watch it. And so, again, this comes back to a little bit of Ram Dass, but it's a lot of different yogis and philosophers and different religions. It's like, well, who am I really Like? Am I, am I thoughts, am I my emotions, am I this body? Am I AJ Amyx? On like one side of the coin, yes, and on the other side of the coin, no.
AJ Amyx:I can be kind of this thing that we call the observer or the witness and so like. Even yesterday, I found myself like my daughter got on her gate and I was like breaking the gate and I lost my temper and I was like, please, get off the gate right. And then she's like, ah. And so I was like, why did I? Why did I choose anger in that moment? Well, I understand, because I've done enough in our work and I have enough emotional intelligence, which is like, well, anger just means like it's an emotion, because I have this desire for change. I was like, okay, well, I had a desire for her not to break the gate right, but then I still chose as the observer, I still chose anger. But if I can suck myself out and rather than saying I am angry because now this is me being becoming identified with my emotional state, I could, in my mind, be the witness or and recognize there goes AJ being angry, like just by being able to relate to what I'm feeling, as there goes AJ feeling angry.
AJ Amyx:It automatically creates a space between this thing called my inner critic, which is like sorry you don't want to get on the inner critic, doesn't she know?
AJ Amyx:Doesn't she respect her? Like all of that's happening, like consciously, unconsciously, but by me choosing to relate to it as there goes, a feeling angry. Now there's this space and inside of this space there's a choice where, if I'll slow down, I can choose differently. Do I want to choose to be angry? Is wisdom choosing to be angry? Because maybe this is what serves, because I can't say never be angry, because sometimes anger is required in life for certain situations.
AJ Amyx:Sometimes wisdom is like no anger needs to be unleashed in this certain situation to return things back to order, because this is too chaotic, and that's even questionable, I guess, depending on how far we take it. But we do live in a society like, we do have a human experience, right, and so this is what I would say, like objectively, like can we start to saying there is whatever we're experiencing and can we cultivate enough awareness to start noticing there is so and so feeling sad, feeling alone, feeling depressed, feeling angry, feeling stressed. Now we have a space and what is it that we choose to do from there, which would come back to what we were talking about about 10 minutes ago, which would be being an integrity with her value hierarchy.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, so you're almost taking yourself out of it and looking at it from a different point of view.
AJ Amyx:Correct.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, and you could have. I guess now, when you look back at that example with your daughter in the gate, maybe you could have went at that with concern instead of anger.
AJ Amyx:I could have gone at concern. Or another possibility is I could have looked at it like it's a four-year-old wanting to have fun and play and who has no understanding of all of what stepping on a gate does or means. And it's my only judgment or attachment of growing up on a farm, of having experience like oh, you step on the gate. I remember dad telling me not to step on the gate. He even made up all of these rules that you couldn't break a gate or step on a gate to begin with, like it's just a child stepping on a gate. That actually means nothing besides, she's just wanting to play.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:That's right. What a different perspective that gave you from anger to it's just a child, right Like that's. I love that advice. I guess it is because we don't often. We usually just react. We don't often reflect back on the reaction and why we did that right.
AJ Amyx:Yes, and this is the work, like, yes, we are going to have parts of us that are going to react. It is what it is. Some of this would, or some people would, call this karma yoga, which is using life itself to create union with this thing that we call God, whereas, like, life itself is going to bring you lessons, bring you triggers, bring you the exact learning experience to help bring you back home. And can you cultivate enough sense of awareness to let life do what it does to bring you back home and to union with this thing that we call God, or consciousness, or source, or spirit, or universe, or nothing, or science or whatever, whatever frame somebody has? And that requires cultivating awareness.
AJ Amyx:And then, rather than reacting, can we respond and how do we want to respond? And this comes back to the river analogy of like values and integrity and unconditional love. If we find ourselves reacting, well, can we have enough unconditional love, meaning unconditional acceptance for self and to have enough self forgiveness to then recommit to responding rather than reacting? And the more that we can continue playing this game of I'm myself reacting, I love myself, I forgive myself, I release myself and then coming back into integrity, then we're going to eventually, over time, get stronger and stronger in our ability to respond moment by moment, by moment.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, and it's really important to be conscious of this right. We have to really think about it when we're in these situations.
AJ Amyx:Yeah, it's kind of no different than just training yourself to do any sport or anything that we do. Right at the beginning we're terrible at it, we're absolutely terrible. The more that we do the thing, the more that we practice that thing, the better we get to. We get to a point where, like, let's say, driving for instance, I don't even think about driving. I remember there was a time in college I drove all the way from Abilene, Texas, all the way to my home in East Texas and seven points Texas. That's about a four and a half hour drive. I drove from Abilene to Fort Worth and I was like, why don't you to Fort Worth? That was like a two hour stretch. I don't know who drove between Abilene and Fort Worth. It was me driving, but it wasn't me driving, but somehow yeah you know what I mean.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, yeah, oh. Oftentimes you're driving and you're like where am I? Did I already pass this? And you think, holy crap, how do you not know where you are? But it's true, it's almost becomes unconscious.
AJ Amyx:Exactly.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:An unconscious part of you.
AJ Amyx:Exactly.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:So why is it important for us to limit our inner critic?
AJ Amyx:Well, if we don't limit the inner critic and the best analogy I could give it's almost like you're the driver of your car and the inner critic is like in the back seat, being like turn right, turn left. Don't you know you need to U-turn, and this is going to shape based upon our culture or value systems or life experiences Some people have said it this way, which is like the voice of the parents become the voice of the child, right, and so that inner critic typically is those voices, and it's not just the parents, it's also the religious and the teachers and all of your environment. Growing up starts forming the voice of how that inner critic comes through. But it's like you're driving the car and that's in the back seat, just you know saying stuff or joking, or it's different things for different people, and so if we're not careful, it's just like I've had enough of this.
AJ Amyx:Here's the keys to the car inner critic, just driving that car and the inner critic will either take us to a place where we're like I didn't want to be in Las Vegas. I actually wanted to be up into the schedule on why am I in Las Vegas? And now we're frustrated because we're here in Canada when we wanted to be in Las Vegas, or it's just going to drive it into the ditch and the whole car is on fire and we're like my whole life is on fire. What's going on? So there's this level of responsibility, to have the awareness to realize you're not your inner critic.
AJ Amyx:It's a part of this thing that maybe we're going to say is us, is you, but it's not you, and so it's like how could you relate to that inner critic? As if you were driving, you were a mom or you're a dad who's driving a car and you had these kids, this yelling in the backseat. One way would be like shut up little kids and smack em or whatever. Maybe kick them, or maybe we go more extreme, we throw them in the trunk. I don't know what you do, right?
Mackenzie Kilshaw:And the car. That was always the threat. I'm going to stop the car right. We don't know what's going to happen Then what you certainly stopped doing it.
AJ Amyx:And so that's not going to create a unified, connected relationship. And so it's like how could you meet this inner critic again as a friend and get curious hey, what is your need? What do you really? Got going on, seek to understand this and then lead?
AJ Amyx:Another picture would be it's almost like you walking up a mountain and you're hiking up this mountain with a child. And let's say you are in Canada, you guys have a lot of bears, and so we have to get to the top of this mountain, because if we do not, the bears are going to eat us. And there's no bears at the top of the mountain, at least for the sake of the story, okay. And so one way would be like you're walking, and then the child was like, oh, look, there's a stone. And you're like, oh, all right, come on, we got to get to. We have two hours to get to the top of the mountain. If we don't, we're going to get you by bears. And it's like, oh, look a bug. You're like, all right, but come on. And then you look back like where's the child? And it's like sitting down, playing with a stick. And you're like. You're like, look, we have to get to the top of the mountain. We have an hour and a half.
AJ Amyx:If we do not get there, we're both going to die, right, and this is how we relate to our inner critic, oftentimes unconsciously at least. And so we either slap the inner critic around and drag it up the mountain, which makes a miserable time hiking, or we seek to understand and create a win-win where we're still leading. We're not like all right, let's, yeah, fine, let's just play with bugs and let's get eaten by bears. I give up. Right, that's not going to be conducive to the inner critic or to you. And so it's like how do you work with the inner critic? To kind of coming back to the story of Jesus, to be like all right, I'm headed this way, I'm going up the mountain, right In the kid analogy, you could pick up the kid, carry the kid.
AJ Amyx:It's like how are you going to work with that part of you to continue down the path? This requires courage. But in our inner critic, in this example, we could just be like look, I'm going up this mountain, it is where it is, you can stay here, you can get eaten by bears. I am going up the mountain and you make the choice and you lean in and you courageously go into this unknown thing, knowing this is where I choose to drive my car.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, and I think too. I know we're talking about inner critic, but just as you're giving these stories, I think it's also our attitude and positive or negative, right, and when you're talking when you talked a minute ago about you know it was your parents and your teachers and all the people that have, you know, helped you along the way growing up. But I think a lot of that frames our mind, where I know I know people that are. You know my parents were very negative. My parents saw everything glass half full or half empty, not half full, and it's really hard for me to to see something as a positive instead of a negative. But I think all that you've just talked about really we each have it inside of ourselves to change that.
AJ Amyx:We do have the ability.
AJ Amyx:Well, it comes back to like this universal principle what we focus on expands. So, if we have the awareness that our parents look at a life which is the glasses half empty, maybe there's for a season of life we need to pull out a pad and a pen every day. For maybe 30 days or maybe 60 days, I don't know a season of life where every day, you ask yourself a question what's working in my life? And you, you consciously look for evidence. Well, this is working, this, even the smallest things. I mean, if you can find nothing, then maybe you're like well, I found this really cool mug at an art show and I'm, that's what you know. That's working. Right, write it down if that cultivates a sense of like, life is working for me.
AJ Amyx:If you have to look back five years ago to find evidence because life really isn't working for you right now, then look back. The whole point is is what we focus on expands? If we're focusing on, well, this is how life is working for me, this is how life is supporting, we do that for a season. It actually starts rewiring our body, rewiring our brain to start being different than we, our parents choose to be, not even saying that they're wrong, like on one side we could say hey, thank you. That's giving me contrast to know. I like this version better, right.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Yeah, yeah, that's some true, and we have the ability. Each of us have that ability.
AJ Amyx:Yes.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Right, we're consciously making that effort and successes I mean like the if we, if we conquer in a critic or we think more positively I'm going to just guess that you're going to say success are what we think about of success is unlimited.
AJ Amyx:Yeah, we can get anywhere.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:We want to go.
AJ Amyx:Maybe that's so, let's, let's say back to maybe yeah. Anywhere I want to go. That's interesting because it's like well, what if I have this thought that I want to be an NFL linebacker, Do I have it in my power to be an NFL linebacker? On one side of the coin it's like, well, I suppose I could pursue that journey. I'm only five foot 11 way, 169 pounds.
AJ Amyx:I don't think I would do very well in NFL. I'm just not built for that. Like, maybe I could go play soccer at a high level potentially, but even that I'm 38 at this point in time. If I was going to do that, I should have done that a long, a long time ago.
AJ Amyx:And so this is coming back to dancing in this place of fate and free will. If I'm just free will, then I would embody the possibility yeah, anything I can conjure up I could create. On the other side, it's like, well, what if, when I was born, it's almost like I was shot out of this cannon that's headed in a certain direction? And what if I can just trust that I'm shot in a direction of goodness? And wherever that ends up is exactly where I'm supposed to end up, not falling to being a victim to that possibility, but still choosing to respond, moment by moment by moment, to the best of my ability, to just let it take me where it takes me, and maybe that takes me to the NFL, maybe it doesn't. And this reminds me of a different story and a book that was by Deepak Chopra. I think it was called the Wizards Way or something, and I remember the year it was published Fantastic little book, all about the stories of Arthur and Merlin's, a fictitious book, and one of the chapters I don't remember what chapter it was Arthur had no. Merlin had sent Arthur three things from his childhood that were very, very important things, and they appear on his bed and Arthur is there with his brother and I don't remember the brother's name, and the brother is like what Merlin sent you? A corn husk doll, a slingshot and a mirror. Like what the heck is this? And Arthur is like well, this is very interesting. And the brother is like what do you mean? This is interesting. These are child toys. This makes no sense. On you like creating your best life, he goes. Well, it kind of does to me. Think about it.
AJ Amyx:When I was a child, my greatest possession was this corn husk doll and I played with it for hours and hours and hours and it was like my prized possession. I took it everywhere. Well then, when I got older, I remember walking in the woods, in the forest with Merlin. I crafted this slingshot and I would hunt for days and days and days and I no longer needed the doll, but I used this slingshot and I hunted for days and days.
AJ Amyx:And then, as I got older into my teenage years, when I was hunting, I found this broken shard of mirror and I remember I sat down the slingshot because at that point in time I wanted to impress the girls and so I was always looking into it to make sure I looked the right way and he goes and, looking back, I can see how the corn husk doll, that desire, led to the slingshot, led to the mirror, and by trusting all of those desires, they brought me to who I am today.
AJ Amyx:And so it's this whole allegorical story about like well, when we can trust our desires and we can just allow them to lead us to the next thing, it's almost like they become little breadcrumbs that lead to the unfoldment of us, which is really dancing in the paradox of well, I am a creator of my reality and free will, trusting our desires and also the other side, trusting the fate side, if we will of. I've been shot out of this cannon headed in this direction. Now let's just follow the breadcrumbs and see where they end up. That seems to be the path of success, at least from where I sit today.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:I think you are 100% right on that. For sure, do you have a most important lesson that you can share for our listeners, something you've learned along the way that you really value?
AJ Amyx:Yeah, one of the biggest lessons, at least for me, and it seems to be resonant for about 70% of humanity is you have nothing to prove or defend, Like absolutely nothing. Nothing. You have nothing to prove or defend. You can go accomplish whatever you want to accomplish. You can go create whatever it is that you're called to create and do your best at it. That's it. And the real question is like do you approve of yourself? That's it. Everything else is a complete trap that's going to lead to frustration, burnout, plateau, stuckness. It's only a matter of time, and so can you come back home to really realizing and embracing the fullness of life, realizing you have nothing to prove or defend.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:And I always ask if you had something you had wished you had known was a kind of tricky question or something you could tell your younger self. And maybe that's it that you have nothing to prove or defend?
AJ Amyx:Yeah, for me that would have. I feel like that would have completely altered my life. I don't feel like I'd even be who I am today If I would have known that or somebody would have told me that and led me through that at a very young age.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Awesome. Thank you so much, a. This has been really interesting and I really love hearing your perspective. I know people are going to want to know more about you and probably follow you, so where can they find you?
AJ Amyx:Yeah, just go to socialglow. com. That's where you can find me, it's where you can see the content. That's where I point everybody. Just go to socialglow. com.
Mackenzie Kilshaw:Awesome. Thank you so much, a. I really appreciate you being on and for everybody listening. Thanks for tuning in and we'll see you on the next episode. Thanks for listening to Winning. Be sure to subscribe to get all of our new episodes. If you enjoyed this episode and you'd like to help support the podcast, please share it with others, post about it on social media and leave a rating and review wherever you listen to Winning. To catch all of the latest from us, you can follow Winning Podcast on Instagram a Winnin u podcast, Facebook at Winning Podcast and on Twitter a @winning pod. Winning was created and is produced by me, Mackenzie Kilshaw Music, created by Summer Firby, editing by Seth Armstrong. Special thanks to Shauna Foster for voicing our opening and, of course, a huge thank you to this episode's guest. Thanks again for listening and I'll see you on the next episode.
